Columns
Morning Glory #1: The
Debut, and Fashion Tips
Well well well, it seems
I’ve finally made the big time. I won’t bore you all with my life story, as much
as you’d all like to hear it (oh, it’s true), but I will tell you a little about
myself, just so that you know exactly who I am and what I’m all about.
My name is Scott Newman, or ‘Superstar’ Scott Newman on the forums. I’m a
pure Brit, and I’m 17, 18 in exactly days. I’ve been around the Oratory since
July 2001, I co-book the oWa e-fed with Dave Spinosa, and also wrote a lot of columns in
the RCC, right from it’s inception not long after I joined the forums. Of course,
I’m bloody happy to be on the staff, alongside a bunch of awesome writers, and I
can’t think of a better wrestling site on the ‘net (well, maybe
KevinBigSexyNash.com J). As you can guess from that little joke…and my banner too
(thanks to MBKaos for that)….I’m not your average ‘smart internet
fan’. My favourite wrestlers include Kevin Nash and Test, I’m not a huge fan of
Angle and Benoit (but I do like them), and I think Reverend D-Von has an awesome gimmick.
I can see you now…cringing reading this, but hell, the staff needs someone bizarre,
and British is even better. So where do we go from here? Onto the column of
course…..and hopefully I’ll impress you enough to get me some feedback,
d’you know what I mean?
My original idea for this column was to write about the WWE’s ‘forgotten
men’, Chris Kanyon and Rhyno, both of whom have been out injured since the Alliance
angle of 2001.. However, as Murphy’s Law would suggest, the WWE blew those plans
right out of the window by having Kanyon appear live at WWE ‘The World’ in New
York during this week’s RAW. Being British, I don’t get RAW till Friday, so I
don’t know whether Kanyon made a TV appearance. However, his mention and presence
makes the idea redundant, so oh well. Sooooo….what to write about? Well, after some
quick thinking, and a joke made by Dave Spinosa, I’ve decided to write about
something in the world of wrestling that I’d like to consider myself an expert on:
Fashion in wrestling. As some of you may know, I was recently given the title of ‘the
Rico of the Oratory’ for my constant praise and criticisms of the fashion sense of
the WWE superstars. So, with tongue firmly in cheek, here’s my guide to fashion in
wrestling; the do’s, the don’ts, and some of the classic fashion mistakes made
by WWE superstars in recent memory.
Firstly, my biggest wrestling fashion no-no: White socks. I don’t know why they look
so bad, but there’s no denying that they do. I refuse to wear them myself, and my
friend in the Navy was ripped to shreds for wearing them. In wrestling, white socks are
just as terrible. Take a look at the history; Steven Richards, in the height of the RTC
angle, was ridiculed for wearing white socks, and even now, after they’ve punked out
women, old age pensioners, and supposed homosexuals, I still can’t take the Island
Boys seriously, because they wear surfer shorts with white socks. But of course, the
biggest fashion victim when it comes to white socks is the former ECW champion himself,
and the owner of the “lamest catchphrase ever”, Justin Credible. Aldo obviously
wasn’t content with merely sucking in the ring….he had to make his attire suck
too. Credible dumped the denim shorts (the reason rumoured to be that he looked like Steve
Austin), and went with some black tights with a nice white pattern down the leg. Cool?
Wrong….as Credible killed his fashion credibility by not only wearing white socks,
but also pulling them OVER his tights. To see this sight, I’m sure Versace would be
spinning in his grave.
Fashion in wrestling can also depend on body shape and size. For example, a fat wrestler,
eg Mick Foley, should never be seen without a shirt. Sure, Foley could bump, and put on
incredible matches, but if someone had spotted his gut hanging over a pair of tights, he
may well have been doomed. But of course, not everyone can have a perfect physique. Those
who don’t though, should wear something at least somewhat flattering in the ring. So
Scotty’s second fashion rule is simple….if you’re overly skinny, or fat,
with a somewhat pasty complexion, DO NOT wear tights, or a singlet. Does anyone else
remember cringing in horror when Spike Dudley decided to take his teaming with the Big
Show further, and copied his ring attire? Seeing Spike’s white, thin legs in the
singlet was nothing short of sickening. And judging from the pictures posted on his
website….Kevin Nash should stick to leather pants too. Short guys especially should
follow this rule. As Tazz found out in early 2000, it does not pay to wear a singlet or
tights when your legs are extremely small. Dean Malenko had the same problem, as trunks or
short tights just made both men look smaller. Chris Benoit could also do with watching a
recent one of his matches, compared to one of his older ones. He looks smaller now than
ever, and I’d put money on that being an optical illusion due to his plain (as
opposed to his‘clawmark’) tights, rather than a freakish result of his neck
surgery.
Sometimes fashion isn’t all about the clothing. In wrestling’s years past, the
wrestler in question nearly always cemented a heel turn by growing what has become to be
known as the ‘evil goatee’. The perfect example of this was ‘Kona’
Crush back in 1993. Crush had come in as a bouncing babyface, wearing a horrific yellow
and orange singlet (a fashion crime in itself), a mullet with blonde streaks (ANOTHER faux
pas), and a dumb grin on his face. Crush was pushed as a good mid-card face, but as 1994
rolled in, it was time for a change. Crush was squashed by Yokozuna, and when he returned,
the blonde streaks were gone, and an ‘evil goatee’ hid his smile. He immediately
made a heel turn, attacking Randy Savage, and dumped the singlet too, going with black and
purple. But don’t kid yourself….it wasn’t the colors that screamed
“Heel!”, it was the beard. However, in recent years, most notably since the rise
of the ‘anti-hero’ babyface, beginning with Steve Austin, the beard trend has
been reversed, as the faces now wear ‘badass’, rugged beards, and the slimy
heels seem more clean cut. Witness Chris Jericho’s beard-less look from the beginning
of his heel turn in late 2001-early 2002, and more recently Triple H’s losing battle
with the razor as he made his heel turn in August. Of course, Jericho decided to reverse
the trend and go back to old-school ‘heel beards’ this summer, as he grew what I
believe to be the BEST GOATEE EVER. Other facial hair such as sideburns can indicate
heel-dom, as both The Rock (1998) and Rico (2002) show perfectly.
Even hair itself can show where a wrestler stands, or add (or take away) to the character.
Undertaker’s heel turn was cemented by the cutting of his hair, although this may
have been down to Taker’s age and thinning hairline. For those who care, Taker now
has the same hairstyle as my dad. Sad, huh? You’d never catch Kevin Nash, or Test,
Taker’s ‘partners in leather pants’ cutting their hair like that. It’s
their pride and joy! Or is it? Just today, a story has appeared on the newsboards about
Test and Christian being asked to cut their hair like Lance Storm’s, because
‘long hair is out’. To paraphrase Christian, how so totally wrong! Test and
Christian’s whole look is personified by their long hair, and cutting it short would
simply make them just two more faces in the crowd (or lower mid-card), which neither of
them want right now. As someone is rumoured to have said, “Will HHH and Nash be asked
to cut their hair too?”. I think not. The look of a wrestler should be down to the
wrestler only, as long as it doesn’t affect their gimmick.
Although this column is meant to be tongue-in-cheek, and a bit of a laugh (possibly at my
expense?), in all seriousness I cannot express the importance of a wrestler’s
‘look’ enough. Some wrestlers have got to the very top of the tree just due to
an impressive look; see Psycho Sid, The Ultimate Warrior, and ‘Superstar’ Billy
Graham. Others, however good in the ring they are, have been held back due to simply not
looking the part (Brad Armstrong, and in WCW Chris Benoit). The look can be the thing to
make or break a wrestler….it can keep a man at the top of the pile, or the bottom of
the barrel. And in the bigger picture, the look can be just as important as good mic
skills, or a great moveset. Just think about that next time you see Albert on your
screens, and think to yourself “They could have something there, if only he’d
shave his back”.
Well, that’s that, my first main page column sorted. I hope you all enjoyed it, and
you’ll come back for more next time. As always, I can be reached through e-mail to
scott.newman@ntlworld.com, or as thesuperstar24 on AOLIM. I’m a whore for feedback,
so don’t hesitate to click on the e-mail link……and for any indy wrestlers
reading….think about it next time you go to pull on a pair of white socks.
D’you know what I mean?
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