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Morning Glory #13: Marquee Matches My Arse

I like to think that I’m a positive kind of guy. I tend to look on the bright side of things most of the time, (apart from when they involve my football club, Coventry City), especially when it comes to wrestling. 90% of people despised the Al Wilson angle. I didn’t like it, but I looked on the bright side, and thought, well, it’s not ruining any meaningful characters as such (unlike Katie Vick), it doesn’t offend me, and we ARE getting to see Torrie and Dawn Marie in skimpy outfits. So, looking on the bright side today while I was thinking about wrestling at work (it’s easy to get bored when there’s snotty kids and no girls in bikinis in the pool) I thought, hey, even though the shows are shitty right now, the Wrestlemania card, as it stands, doesn’t look too bad at all. The rundown of the matches looks a little like this…taken in ORDER, from the WWE’s official site.

Rob Van Dam and Kane vs The Dudley Boyz is also likely to be added to this card, leaving us with the only notable exceptions being Scott Steiner, John Cena, Test, Christian, Jeff Hardy, Brian Kendrick, and Sean O’Haire. It’s likely that Steiner will be added to the card somehow, same with Christian, Test and Hardy (maybe even in a tag match or something). John Cena will be at the show (more on this later), and although I’m a mark for both men, both Kendrick and O’Haire have not had the time to develop feuds for the show. So, being positive, let’s run down the card.

The Women’s Title match won’t be anything special, and as I’ve stated before the Women’s Title doesn’t really interest me. But hey, Victoria’s hot, Trish is hot, and that makes up for Jazz being like Booker T in a wig. It’ll be watchable.

Hardy vs Mysterio is another interesting match, it doesn’t capture me much as it’s for a useless title, but it should be an enjoyable encounter to watch, and could be a good opener for the show.

The Smackdown Tag Title match will be relatively good to watch, although it saddens me to see Benoit and Rhyno wasted in this match. But, looking on the bright side, it involves two of the best wrestlers on the roster in Benoit and Eddie, and the other four men are not slouches.

Undertaker’s match will most definitely be a horrid thing to watch, but it puts all the slow big men into one match. Jones could be good, I don’t know because I haven’t seen him yet, so that’s a good thing for me with this match. As long as Taker wins, I’m cool with it. Why should Taker win? His first loss at WM shouldn’t be pissed away on Big Show or A-Train.

Jericho vs Michaels is easily the match I’m most anticipating. Michaels still rules in the ring, and Jericho, for me, is the best man on the WWE’s roster right now. Michaels will put him over clean, no doubt, which should hopefully cement him at the top of the RAW card.

Booker T vs HHH will not be a good match, but I’ve enjoyed the feud so far, and I’ll be more impressed if HHH puts Booker over cleanly. If he doesn’t, well, it’s more ammunition for us cynics to bitch about HHH with. Win-win both ways here.

Lesnar vs Angle won’t be the classic we were all hoping for, but it’ll damn sure be interesting, given the fact that it could be Kurt’s last match, and his life is literally in Brock’s hands. I hate to think what could happen if Brock drops the ball here….but hopefully he won’t, and everything will be Ok.

John Cena is scheduled for a ‘Rap Off’ contest on the show, which should be very entertaining. Cena’s one of the most engaging characters the WWE has produced recently, and he could well be main event by the end of the Spring. His opponent could be anyone, but I’m hoping it’s Fred Durst, given that Limp Bizkit are doing the show’s theme song. If it is Durst, expect me to mark out…I was a huge Limp Bizkit fan, back in the day. Aaah, how long ago 2001 feels.

So, there you go, a nice, positive rundown of the Wrestlemania XIX card. Doesn’t look too bad at all does it? Well, I’ll see you next…..

Wait.

I forgot two matches, didn’t I? How silly of me. Needless to say, I forgot these two for a damn good reason. Because I was trying to be positive, and however hard I try, I can’t find ONE positive thing about The Rock vs Steve Austin, or Vince McMahon vs Hulk Hogan. And this, this is what brings the Wrestlemania XIX card crashing to the ground for me. The two matches that I don’t see have any redeeming factors, are the ones, judging by the card order on the official website, and the way the shows have treated the feuds, that the show is being built around. Simply put, this sucks. Big time. It won’t matter how good a match Benoit puts on, nor how well Shawn Michaels puts Chris Jericho over. No, Wrestlemania XIX will suck in my eyes, due to the horrible cancer of those two matches that sits at the top of the fucking card. Let’s discuss.

Smackdown’s top feud, over the past few weeks, has been Vince McMahon vs Hulk Hogan, building to a match at Wrestlemania. Now, I don’t know what kind of drugs Vinny is taking which make him think people want to see this, but damnit, I want some. Vince McMahon vs Hulk Hogan is NOT a marquee match. Vince McMahon vs Hulk Hogan is two middle aged men fighting, one of whom has multiple injuries that cause him to move as slowly as a tortoise on downers, and one of whom is not a wrestler, and never has been. I don’t know one fan who wants to see this match. Not one. And what are they fighting over, anyway? From what I gather from the boring interviews and skits they’ve done on the shows, they’re fighting over ‘who made who, who made Hulkamania’. The official Wrestlemania XIX website gives this match the subtitle of ’20 Years In The Making’. Bullshit.

Firstly, why would Vince McMahon or Hulk Hogan care about who ‘made’ the mid 80’s phenomena that was Hulkamania? This isn’t a case where one guy thought of the idea, and the other guy milked it for what it was worth, like the argument between Homer Simpson and Moe in the ‘Flaming Moe’s’ episode. Both men benefited from the advent of Hulkamania. Both men benefited HUGELY. So why bother arguing over who thought of the idea? Pride? Would a feud over pride really warrant one man busting the other open, and forcing him to sign a contract in his own blood? It doesn’t make sense. And also, people have to remember – Hulk Hogan was not one of Vince McMahon’s long-known enemies. This is not Vince McMahon vs Bret Hart, a legitimate, heated rivalry. This is not Vince McMahon vs Eric Bischoff, a feud that lasted for a long time, and got very bitter. Hell, this isn’t even Vince McMahon vs Steve Austin, one of the greatest worked feuds of all time. This is Vince McMahon vs Hulk Hogan.

And I’m supposed to care, why? Because Hogan’s an icon in the sport? This isn’t Wrestlemania XVII. Hogan vs Rock was Icon vs Icon, wrestler vs wrestler. Hogan vs Austin would’ve been the same. Hogan vs McMahon is the wrestling equivalent of the film ‘Grumpy Old Men’. Two grumpy old men, fighting over something completely trivial. And this is being pushed as one of Wrestlemania’s marquee matches. It’s no wonder I’m angry. But, if the other marquee match interested me, maybe I wouldn’t be this angry….maybe you wouldn’t be seeing this column. However, the WWE doesn’t like to put on decent marquee matches, do they? Nope. They put on re-hashes, like The Rock vs Steve Austin.

No doubt, Austin vs Rock from Wrestlemania XIV was a classic match. It’s arguably the greatest Wrestlemania main event of all time, and was the top of the card of arguably the greatest PPV of all time. However, as I mentioned when discussing Fred Durst, 2001 was a long, long time ago. Since then, The Rock has become a major movie star, doing 2-3 month slots with the WWE between films. Austin walked out on the WWE in May 2002, and returned this February at No Way Out. In terms of the work put in by the wrestlers in 2002, these two did nothing. Rock’s absence was not by choice, and his conduct is great, as always. However, he wasn’t around when the company needed him the most (not that I blame him). Austin on the other hand, walked out on the company, and went on to commit domestic assault, a crime which he did not, and has not yet shown any remorse for. Two men, though great wrestlers, who have not been around in a downturn for the company. And these two, it is likely, will main event, will headline the biggest show of the year? Bullshit.

Firstly, like McMahon/Hogan, the feud has been poorly built to. Austin/Rock in 2001 was a clash of the two most popular men in the company, a clash that had been built to for over a year. This year’s version of Austin/Rock has had approximately three to four weeks of build. The reason for the feud? Rock thinks he has done everything in the business, except beaten Austin at Wrestlemania. Fucking great, isn’t it? Austin, upon his return, has been nowhere near the draw that he once was. Rock, however awesome he may be, is in the same boat. These two men represent the past of wrestling, the Attitude Era that died when Austin turned heel at the fateful Rock/Austin 2001 encounter. However, the two men do have a huge rub to be given to up and coming stars. So far, Rock’s rub has been pissed away on Shane ‘Hurricane’ Helms, a man who will not draw a dime in the wrestling business as long as he has a hole up his arse. By putting over two upper-mid carders, say Rob Van Dam and Chris Benoit, Rock and Austin could greatly benefit the wrestling world today, a lot more than they can with this feud. But no, Vince McMahon and his cohorts, in the blind belief that they still draw, place them in the main event of Wrestlemania.

What makes this even worse, is the message that it will send to the other workers, especially guys working their arses off to get to the level of Rock or Austin. Wrestlemania is the biggest show of the year, the sendoff for the year’s major feuds. The face, 9 times out of 10, will go off the show triumphant. In this feud, which will probably main event the show, that face is Steve Austin. Meaning…..Wrestlemania XIX will more than likely go off the air, with a man who walked out on his company, commited domestic assault with no remorse, celebrating like he’s won the Superbowl. Steve Austin does not deserve this kind of treatment by the company. This is the company he walked out on, when they needed his star power the most. Austin should be jobbing cleanly, in a match against someone like Chris Benoit, in order to give something back to the company that made him who he is today. But, life in the WWE doesn’t work like that, does it? Not if you’re a huge draw from years past it doesn’t.

Wrestlemania is known as the ‘Showcase of the Immortals’, the Big One, the one PPV that rarely sucks. This year, thanks to two of the marquee matches on the show, it could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. I will be watching, no doubt. But I won’t be watching for Austin vs Rock, or Vince vs Hogan. And I hope to God none of you reading this will be either.

Scott Newman: scott.newman@ntlworld.com
AOLIM: TheSuperstar24