Home | Columns | Gallery | Quotes | FAQ | Newman's Hair | Newman Interviews | Links | Contact

Columns

Morning Glory RCC: Are Wrestlers Dumb?

It’s one of the stereotypes of wrestling. Big guys with no brains. See an incoherent rant from the Ultimate Warrior, or Booker T getting an awesomely low score on the Weakest Link. But the question remains…..are wrestlers actually dumb? Looking at Bradshaw’s stock market exploits, and HHH’s knowledge of the business, you could say they’re not dumb at all. But I’m gonna prove the old stereotype right….wrestlers ARE dumb, and here’s why.

Hulk Hogan’s ‘hulk-up’

OK….this is 2002. You’re in the ring with Hulk Hogan, fighting hard. He was on fire in the first few minutes, but slowly and surely, using time tested heel tactics, you’ve managed to wear the veteran down. Hogan’s looking shaky, and it could be time for your big finisher. Suddenly something happens. Your punches and hits don’t seem to be having any effect. Hogan begins to shake like he’s having an epileptic fit. Yes, like in every match he’s ever had as a face, he’s ‘hulking up’. So, what do you do? If your answer would be ‘stand looking scared, and try to punch him, eventually falling victim to the legdrop’, you would make a perfect wrestler. Surely, from watching years of wrestling, and as they’d have you believe, ‘studying your opponent’s matches’, surely the heel would have the sense to simply get out of the ring when he’s hulking up, wait till the rush is over then kick his ass! Or…maybe not. First bit of proof as to why they’re dumb.

Rob Van Dam’s Van Daminator

This is nearly as frustrating as Hogan’s hulk-up. Rob Van Dam, master of martial arts in the ring, even better than Steve Blackman. The most deadly weapon in his arsenal is the ‘Van Daminator’, a move in which Van Dam spinkicks a chair into his opponent’s face. So, let’s take it from the heel’s point of view. You’re fighting RVD, and somehow you’ve managed to neutralise his offense. Suddenly, you bump into the referee, who hits the mat. Turning, you see Van Dam in front of you, wielding a steel chair. You brace yourself for a chairshot, but instead, he simply throws the chair to you. DON’T CATCH THE…..oh shit…Van Daminator, match over. So, why do the heels catch the chair, KNOWING damn for well that Van Dam will hit the Van Daminator? And even more frighteningly, why don’t they simply HIT HIM WITH THE DAMN CHAIR? Yes, wrestlers are dumb…..

Manager’s distractions

Notice I said MANAGERS, not VALETS. Obviously, if the hot valet gets onto the apron, stripping to distract you, you’re gonna be distracted. Fair enough. But managers? This is a type of mental disease that affects faces more than heels. So…you’re in a match with a deadly heel. After taking a beating, you’re fighting back well, and suddenly you hit a move that could end the match. But…the heel’s manager leaps onto the apron, attempting to distract you. So do you go for the pin, ignoring the manager? Of course not, you’re a dumbass wrestler! You swing for the manager, or alternatively (and even more stupidly), you pull them into the ring. Sure, you dish out a beating to the manager, but more often than not, you’ll walk into the heel’s finisher for the loss. DUMBASS!

Tag team problems

So…you’re the face tag team. You’ve taken the first portion of the match, fighting against the two cheating heels. You tag your partner in, and after a short flurry of moves from him, he gets in some trouble, possibly falling victim to a vicious rake of the eyes. The heels whip him into the corner, and begin to beat the shit out of him. And being heels, they decide to cheat, and double team him. So, wouldn’t the simple thing be to wait for the referee to reprimand them and carry on with the match? Course it would. Obviously too simple for our wrestler though….because nine times out of ten, the face comes in to help, and gets pushed back out by the referee, as those despicable heels beat down on the partner. Maybe faces are even dumber than heels!

Want a beer?

Steve Austin is as well known for his beer drinking exploits as any other part of his character. After almost every win he’s had, he drinks a cold Bud to celebrate, often sharing with a face who’s with him. Vinnie Jones, Earl Hebner, and The Rock are just a few of the faces to share a brew with Stone Cold. But Austin often gives heels a beer too. And every time he does…the heel gets caught with a Stone Cold Stunner. So, the question is obvious. Why not refuse the beer, and simply leave with your dignity? But no, the heel ALWAYS accepts the beer. Even ‘cerebral assassins’ such as HHH, and ‘boy wonders’ like Shane McMahon have fallen victim to this. Do they honestly think Austin’s gonna let bygones be bygones? Hell, a leopard doesn’t change its spots, let alone a rattlesnake. Obviously, our heels are too dumb to realise that a cold beer and a smile leads to a stunner and humiliation.

The Worm

There have been some deadly finishers over the years. Who gets up from the Stone Cold Stunner, the Pedigree, or the Tombstone? Can anyone withstand the brutal F5, or get out of the Crippler Crossface? But for however many awesome finishers there are, there have been some awful ones. Remember Sergeant Slaughter’s ‘Noogie of Doom’? Or Steve McMichael’s ‘5 Point Stance’? Well, they all pale in comparison to the dumbest move of them all, Scotty 2 Hotty’s ‘Worm’. The guy stands around like a maniac for a while, hops for a while, does a God-awful dance move from the 80’s, then finishes the move…..with a karate chop to the throat. How….not devastating. But how many mighty wrestlers have fallen to this move? Test, Perry Saturn, the list goes on. Well, maybe these are not top guys, but surely they’d have the brains to simply MOVE when he begins dancing? Nah…..our heroes are too dumb for that.

Crazy aerial moves

Hmmm…..you’re on the top rope, ready to crush your fallen opponent. But you can’t choose which move to use. Do you hit a kneedrop? Or a diving legdrop? How about a simple bodysplash? In this case, too little is too much for our wrestlers. Many of them tend to use flashy moves that would actually hurt less than a simple bodysplash. See Billy Kidman and possibly Brock Lesnar’s shooting star press, and Hayabusa’s 450 splash. Does adding a somersault to the move make it any more painful for the recipient? Nope. But it DOES make it much more of a risk for the guy pulling it off. What’s more likely to miss? A 450, or a Vaderbomb? Another case of wrestlers being ‘strong in the arm, but thick in the head’.

So…..cases in point, let’s take a look at a conclusion. It’s pretty simple. Due to a lack of internal logic, and common sense, it is obvious that wrestlers are among the dumbest forms of human life, ranking down with even powertrip in the ladder of brain matter.

Hope you enjoyed this (hopefully) humourous outing……I’ll be back for some more columns in 2 weeks.

Some credit to Justin T for a couple of points here…. check out his archive now!