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Morning Glory RCC:
Wrestlemania 13 Review
WRESTLEMANIA XIII
The opening video claims that a 'tempest has engulfed utopia' as they preview the three
big matches, Austin-Hart, Taker-Sid, and LOD-Nation. Even though this was supposed to be
the 'dark, violent' WM, we still get the shitty WM theme music aka Linda McMahon's theme,
playing.
MATCH 1: GODWINNS vs BLACKJACKS vs FURNAS/LAFON vs HEADBANGERS
The Godwinns are out first, as Vince goes crazy. Hillbilly wannabe. I guess there's
nothing like the Godwinns to start out a WM *L*, but this match has Furnas and Lafon, who
are awesome, so maybe it might be OK.....then again it involves the Blackjacks and
Headbangers as well......Furnas and Lafon get no pop. Why? They were AWESOME. Todd
Pennetgill (Michael Cole early 90's) interviews the Blackjacks, as we see Bradshaw before
his badass days. He also has short hair. Big brawl to kick off. It's the four corner rule
BTW. Match sucks, and has no heat. Someone tell me why these guys were on PPV. Furnas
rocks, he hits moves like ranas and German suplexes, but is STILL not over. Sad really.
FUCK, Furnas/Lafon and the Blackjacks get a double countout, and there go my hopes for a
decent match. After a few more minutes of SHITTY BRAWLING Mosh hits what JR calls the
'Bombs Away' for the pin. Thank God it's over. 1/2*.
Oh fuck, the HONKY TONK JACKASS is out. Fat bastard. JR makes the 'cousins' joke for HTJ
and the King.
MATCH 2: SULTAN vs ROCKY MIAVIA (IC title)
The Sultan is Rikishi, about 100 pounds lighter, but no thinner round the middle if you
know what I mean.....He is a worse worker here than he is now. Rocky is nowhere near over,
as a hand slapping babyface, and the match has, you guessed it, NO HEAT. The Rock was so
green here, and put in the ring with a fat shit like the Sultan just GUARANTEED a bad
match. This is absolutely atrocious. Neither guy can work, neither guy is over, and a lot
of restholds. This shit does not belong on a Wrestlemania. The fans BOO like crazy as
Rocky fights out of a chinlock, and my theory is that they were horrified that the match
had to continue. Rocky wins with a rollup, in case you cared. He gets attacked by the
Sheik at the end, but his dad runs in to clean house. To no pop. Words cannot describe how
much I hated this match. -**
We get an interview with Ken Shamrock, who is the ref for Austin/Hart. He warns that he
WILL NOT BE INTIMIDATED.
Dok Hendrix interviews HHH and Chyna. HHH sucks on the mic at this point, and he is still
in his blue blood gimmick. If you'd have said Chyna would EVER be in Playboy at this point
you probably would have been shot.
We get a slammy award recap, and the only entertaining bit is Owen winning an award, as he
screams about being a 'two time winner! WHOO!!' Oh, and SABLE IN A BIKINI!!!! YEAH!!!!
BRING BACK RENA MERO!!!!.
MATCH 3: HHH vs GOLDUST
HHH comes out to 'Ode To Joy' which cannot be further from his Motorhead theme today. And
its YET ANOTHER SHITTY MATCH, as Marlena (Terri) chomps on a cigar like it's a.....no, I
won't bother. A lot of Irish whipping, and did I mention THIS MATCH IS SHIT? HHH knocks
Marlena onto Chyna, who puts her in a bearhug. HHH hits the pedigree for the win. Very bad
match. 1/2*
MATCH 4: VADER/MANKIND vs OWEN/BULLDOG
Should be good, except for one problem- BOTH TEAMS ARE HEELS= NO HEAT. Again. This card
SUCKS. Vader and Mankind play the heels, with Vader even hitting a Last Ride on Owen at
one point. The heels beat on Bulldog for a while, until Owen gets the hot tag and
domintates, before Vader knocks the SHIT out of his with a shoulder block. The heels now
beat on Owen as I get more bored and try not to fast forward. The crowd don't respond to
this because both teams are heels. This is pointless. Owen finally gets the COLD tag, as
the only pops come from Foley's bumps. Mankind gets the claw on Bulldog outside the ring,
and we get a double countout. Shitty match with a crappy finish= *
The WWF kind of redeems itself with an AWESOME promo for Austin/Hart, as we are shown how
Hart's fans have turned on him, and Bret has become paranoid and evil.
MATCH 5: BRET HART vs STEVE AUSTIN (Submission match)
Bret was the face and Austin the heel as this begun. Shamrock is the ref. Austin gets a
big pop, kind of like HHH gets now, even though he's a heel. Bret gets a MONSTER pop. This
match is AWESOME. It goes back and forth, back and forth, Austin is busted WIDE open,
drawing an insane amount of blood, but the best part for me is when Austin goes medieval
with the chair, killing Bret and getting a monster pop. Bret works on the leg, setting up
for the Sharpshooter, as the crowd slowly changes the face/heel roles. This is the best
match ever, no doubt. Bret goes medieval with the chair, and tries the Sharpshooter, but
it gets blocked. Austin takes over for a while, before Bret clocks him with the ringbell
and puts on the Sharpshooter. We get the famous visual of Austin in the move, his face
bloody but refusing to give up. Austin breaks to a HUGE pop, but Bret locks it back on and
Austin passes out. Shamrock stops the match, and Bret is declared the winner. The crwod is
cheering for Bret at this point. However, Bret lays into Austin some more, before being
taken down by Shamrock. Bret gives a 'fuck you' look to Shamrock and the crowd, and leaves
to monster heel heat, as Austin stuns a referee and limps away, with the crowd chantin his
name. Best match ever, *****.
We get a SHITTY interview with the Nation, who at this point were a black militia group.
MATCH 6: NATION vs LEIGON OF DOOM/AHMED JOHNSON (Chicago Streetfight)
This is the ORIGINAL hardcore match, as all types of weapons are brought out. The LOD and
Johnson, who wears the LOD spikes, get a monster hometown pop. A really crazy and
enjoyable brawl here, all around the ringside area, as we see some mad bumps, some crazy
shit with the weapons, and good crowd heat. All the Nation, Faarooq, Crush, Savio and
D'Lo, along with the rappers, get involved. I actually like this match a lot, it's really
entertaining. 2 X 4 shot on Crush finishes, and then the rappers get the Devastation
Device. ***3/4 on the scale, for sheer entertaiment.
MAIN EVENT: SID vs UNDERTAKER (WWF TITLE)
Shawn Michaels does guest commentary. Before the match can start however, Bret comes out,
badmouths EVERYONE to huge heat, calling Shawn a 'pussy', and gets powerbombed by Sid.
That is the only good thing about this match, believe me, as the match is dominated by
restholds, chinlocks, nerve grips and GENERALLY SHITTY WRESTLING. Taker wears his old grey
outfit BTW. The match finishes after what feels like about 3 hours, when Bret comes down,
hangs Sid up over the rope, and Taker hits the Tombstone for the pin and title. Nice to
see Taker getting his share of the spotlight, but the match? * and a generous * at that.
This PPV, without Austin/Hart, would have been one of the worst ever by far. But the
Submission match, and to some degree the Chicago Streetfight, redeem the PPV. Watch for
the Submission match and the Streetfight only, and fast forward the rest.
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